Film posters and that.

Review may contain spoilers…

Flashback: Autobots crash land on the moon with big weapon. Dodgy JFK look-a-likes. Present Day: Dodgy Obama look-a-likes. Rosie Huntington’s arse enters. Buzz Aldrin enters. Buzz exits. Shia Lebeouf talks quickly. Optimus Prime is so wise. Quirky character No.1 enters. Orange tinged human faces. Finally some action… Bumblebee is actually pretty cool. Quirky character No.2 enters. Megatron is back. Robots fight. Cleavage shot. Quirky character No.3 enters. Rosie Huntington’s legs. Robots fight. Quirky character No.3 dies. Michael Bay highway scene (TM). Quirky character No.4 enters. Double crossing robot! Robots fight humans. Panty shot. Humans fight humans. Cleavage shot. Slo-mo robot fight. Slo-mo of people getting out of cars. Slo-mo Shia Lebeouf. Bad robot guy. Bad human guy. Shit gets blown up. Buildings get destroyed. Flying robots. Flying people. Big fight. More slo-mo of people getting out of cars. Humans dead. Robot’s dead. Chicago destroyed. Rosie Huntington remains unblemished. Cleavage shot. Slo-mo of people walking with fire and rubble in the background. Rosie Huntington is out-acted by robots. Optimus Monologue. The End. Quirky characters act ‘funny’ as credits role. Actual End.

More of summary than a review, although it remains true to the film as it’s way too long, tedious and quite shit.

Brilliant Fan art, in homage to a Rocketeer poster. Both films directed by Joe Johnston.

So it turns out that Fox didn’t bother to put any food on, not even a themed Kevin Bacon sandwich like I hoped for. After waiting an hour for the film to start X-Men gets off to a promising start. The story follows young Magneto (Fassbender) and Prof X (McAvoy), as they deal with their ‘mutations’ during childhood and into later life. Magneto’s being filled with torment and abuse, whilst Xavier’s filled with education, books, posh Britishness and stuff. Embargo prevents from revealing much else so the redacted review is below…

X-men is a _____ movie.

It’s probably the ______ out of all four X-Men films.

Kevin Bacon is a ______.

James McAvoy and Fassbender are ______ as Xavier and Magneto, particularly Fassbender.

January Jones has massive _____, I didn’t realise they were so big!

There is a brilliant cameo by ________ as _______ but he doesn’t get his claws into much.

Fox, put on some food next time, you _____s

I give it __ out of 5 Bacons

At first glance this looks like just another Amy Adams chick flick…

After closer inspection however, it’s clearly a work of genius…

Trailer is here… Muppets are back!! 

Tonight I’m going to see this

But before I can go, I have to sign this. 

Which can mean only one thing…

The early door time suggests there will be free food and drink, which means that they want people to be in the best possible mood before they watch it. And then they’ll break you arms if you try and tell anyone what you think about it afterwards. 

All signs point to greatness. Redacted review tomorrow.

Take that Fox

Someone’s made quite a splash at the box-office…

From RottonTomatoes.com

Click here to see more.

There has been a lot of backlash about how Hollywood is just churning out endless throw away, CG fluff with all the depth of a paper plate. So it is with great relief that Flicknife can reveal that Dreamworks has stepped up and produced a film with the kind of searching social narrative, nuanced characters and conceptual range to sustain a two hour film. That’s right, they’ve made a film based on Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

Sick of having to take the time and effort to trawl through piles of scripts, the industry is now looking as far as it’s kids bedrooms for concepts. Zac Synder is already in talks to direct Connect 4 reboot, and with the Cohen’s linked to Buckaroo it’s going to be an amazing year.

Attack The Block gets it’s official release today, and it’s deservedly getting a mass of critical acclaim with a massive 95% rating on Rotten Tomatoes 

Surprisingly though, serial quote whore Robbie Collin; the guy who turns up to every single film event wearing a kilt (okay your Scottish, we get it!), absolutely hated ATB, giving it a measly 1 of 5 stars, using the phrase ‘Utter Blocks’ in his harsh, acid tongued review. 

Now i’m all for freedom of speech and all, and he’s welcome to his own opinion, unfortunately he has the opinion of a fool and it’s ‘read’ by thousands in Britain’s most popular newspaper, the News of The World. Tragically, his review is likely to deter a few cinema goers, but should his opinion hold any real worth? You decide.

Here’s a few Collin gems…

Insidious: 5/5 - 3/5 at best.

Your Highness: 4/5 - “Monsters, sword-fights, boobs AND laughter? Giveth this a ruddy BAFTA” - What are you, 12?

Sucker Punch: 4/5 - “Looks a lot like either a very stupid person has tried to make a very clever film or a very clever person has tried to make a very stupid one.” - What does this even mean? Sucker Punch 4/5? Seriously?

Eagle: 4/5 - Piss. Off.

Burlesque: 4/5 - Cristina Aguilera and Cher in a film.

Hall Pass: 1/5 - Fair do’s, at least we agree on something.

A trip to HMV is enough dissuade anyone from upgrading from DVD to Blu-ray. HMV seem to price their Blu-ray’s based on their weight in gold. They also ignore the fact that the internet exists and everything in their store can be bought at half the price or less online.

A walk down the Blu-ray aisle at HMV has the same effect as walking into a Mercedes dealership; it all looks lovely, but I can’t afford any of it. It’s a real shame, as there are still thousands of people who are yet to convert to glorious HD due to thought of having to re-mortgage their house to afford a Blu-ray back catalogue. 

Here’s a prime example…

Amazon £15.93

Play £15.99

HMV.com £16.99

It’s alright though, at least HMV aren’t having financial difficulties.

SORT IT OUT.

I’m looking at you King’s Speech, Thor, TT3D, The Adjustment Bureau, countless other films currently being mocked up the marketing departments of studios across the country…