X-Men: First Class Review…

So it turns out that Fox didn’t bother to put any food on, not even a themed Kevin Bacon sandwich like I hoped for. After waiting an hour for the film to start X-Men gets off to a promising start. The story follows young Magneto (Fassbender) and Prof X (McAvoy), as they deal with their ‘mutations’ during childhood and into later life. Magneto’s being filled with torment and abuse, whilst Xavier’s filled with education, books, posh Britishness and stuff. Embargo prevents from revealing much else so the redacted review is below…

X-men is a _____ movie.

It’s probably the ______ out of all four X-Men films.

Kevin Bacon is a ______.

James McAvoy and Fassbender are ______ as Xavier and Magneto, particularly Fassbender.

January Jones has massive _____, I didn’t realise they were so big!

There is a brilliant cameo by ________ as _______ but he doesn’t get his claws into much.

Fox, put on some food next time, you _____s

I give it __ out of 5 Bacons

First Review! The Eagle

In a Flicknife first, we were ‘invited’ to attend the UK premiere of The Eagle at the impressive Leicester Square Empire.

Mmmm. Glitzy

It was a little underwhelming if to be honest - six flame torches do not make up for the lack of a free bar. However, we did get a free mini bar of Green & Blacks, some water which was mercifully not ‘vitamin water’ and the chance to sit in front of someone who may or may not have been Gillian Anderson. In addition, we would be watching the film on a screen so large that it has to factor in the curvature of the earths surface.

Unfortunately, The Eagle wasn’t up to much. It’s probably because it’s adapted from a book, and everybody knows books are like rubbish versions of films. Basically a cross between Avatar and Brokeback Mountain (erm… well there are some blue people in it and a couple of men wrestle with their feelings / each other), Chaning Tatum and Jamie Bell spend a lot of time pouting, moaning and rolling around in the mud. Despite some genuinely entertaining battle sequences,  it’s basically a less effective, more family friendly version of that film about Gladiators where Russel Crowe plays a Gladiator. Can’t remember what it’s called.

Baby Bell is actually pretty decent in his role of a reluctant slave to Tatum’s sulking Roman military hero, and he’s clearly been hitting the protein shakes. C-Tat’s maintains one facial expression for the entire film and can’t actually open his eyes more than half way. It’s probably the weight of his good looking forhead.  

The Tate-Face

That said, he’s pretty good at shouting and despite repeatedly injuring his leg manages a pretty respectable body count.

In it’s defence, The Eagle features the killing of not one, but two of it’s pre-teen characters, which I for one applaud. Also, Tahar Rahim is excellent as a blue painted, mud dwelling violent simpleton. I smell a spin-off. In the end though, if you want to watch a film about a strict, muscular master and his submissive slave, I can recommend some alternative titles…